New semester.
I have NO MONEY. None to speak of. maybe $75..
working 10 hours a week.. getting paid once a month. BLAH BLAHthings suck
sushibardelijobmewaitresscheffuturewant
online classes are terrible.
my photography teacher checked out a camera to me with a dead battery.
I'm supposed to have a roll by tomorrow. printing's FUN (blooming photo)
fun is not often
stuffed birds line the ceiling of my cultural anthropology class. always watchingwatching
deadeyes nice young teacher though.
all i do is walk back forth back forth up down around rain on my head in my shoes squishing dr scholls between my toes spongy like .
lost umbrella at winco maiden voyage, left it on shopping cart
so careless, wasting money.
ballet in the fieldhouse, concrete round dome no heat runrunrunaround until body heats up enough to move, haven't exercised in months so stiffshakyunbalanced out of WHACK
things are so weird
but it's nice when ALL OF A SUDDEN
you're caught in a snowstorm and blustery days are all around you whirling
hitting the windshield, building up in branches until the trees are snow christmastimeagain?
sea level home, melts nostay nosnowman no ball fights just one rescued clump from
the roof of a car of a friend who lives an hour away.
i can still see, though far away, the snow patches in the forest while looking out my window.
first time in 12 years everyone says.
I hope that the future holds something positive for me.
i find it hard to keep an optimistic view on things when LIFEISSHITTY

glass chunks on car seat
byebyemusic byebyemoney byebyewindow
scum of the earth fUUCKKKK why thieves are thieves rotten
rain rain cold inside and outside

lostmy phone
got house phone

friendsare weird. neverknow.
not enough adequate winter clothes
freeeeeezieshakyshiverskye
brrrrrbrr
love my heated blanket

planty in bathroom growing purplysmallhappy nodrooopy

want things to get better. need happy lifemind
hard..

quit my job.
cutting my hair.
finding a new house.
too many presents to buy.
need to take more classes.
doing as much art as possible.

fresh

at this moment my mother is frantically searching the house for a cat
my cat
who if left behind, will suffer a smoky fate.
how can this happen
my home burning
it can't be gone
where am i going to run to
jamul
charred
it's not fair
and here i am
crying over a cold
so far away from everything i left behind
so suddenly
without a real goodbye
thinking i would be back and it would be the same
but it won't
and i just hope that
everyone will be okay.



everything's just getting worse and worse.

ever since I arrived here, i feel like i'm in a time warp.
this isn't exactly what i expected, although i didn't really expect anything in particular.
with october comes rain.
the scenery is beautiful, but the wind is cold and strong.
my umbrella is a wimp, but my hats are toasty.

the apartment i'm living in leaves something to be desired, but then again, it's home.
i'm comfortable, but i'm not satisfied.
i want something more.
i'm not yet ready to start the end of my life, i don't want to work all week. is that all i have to look forward to? another day? a paycheck? i don't know if i want to keep going one more day one more day
everything's the same everyday. i don't care about the business i work for, i don't want to sell old ladies dishes, i don't want to hand christmas ornaments three months in advance. i don't care, i don't care about any of it.
why do i have to pretend like the company is a god? the whole place is full of people just stuck.
evertone is just stuck there. they always come back and look around and spend all their money on things they don't need or can get for half the price somewhere else. i don't want to spend all of my time in a building.
i'm not a salesperson. i'm not a machine.

i don't know what i want from life. the happiness i get from certain things can't support me. everything is set up so that i have to find some form of stability, that i have to waste all my time doing things for people who i don't care about.

next semester i have to take a full load of classes. this semester i'm only taking one. i hink that it was a bad decision, but i really had no other choice at the time. money is the bane of my existence.
of all existence. if there was no such thing, i can't even say what things would be like.
but i have to start looking for it, if i want to actually go to college and do something. anything. anything at all.
next semester i'm going to try and go to hsu. i feel like a lost puppy turned away and shaking in the cold, with icicles on my whiskers and frost on my nose. i don't recognize the puppy reflected back at me.
i just don't know what's going on.

my everyday humdrum life keeps beating on, and i guess it's going swimmingly.
i bicycle around, feeling the rush of air. i walk to the bus stop and i listen to music until i get off, then i walk around some more until i reach my classroom at the opposite end. the college i'm attending has a nice campus, so it's an entirely enjoyable walk, and i can use my umbrella for protection from the wind.

i want to send postcards, but i lack addresses.

there are a lot of really neat shops here. old town is so cool, and arcata is even cooler.
i wish i lived in arcata. it's reallly hard to find an apartment though.
a lot of things are so much fresher here. we go to this place called humboldt herbals and buy tea. they have all sorts of teas to cure ailments and some just taste good. there's all sorts of knickknacks and stuff shops too.

i cook a lot now. it's wonderful. i love making food and eating it and finding ingredients and new combinations. i could just eat all day. i'm going to ballooooon. fresh food is everywhere. organic food is everywhere. it's so delicious, all of it. there's this organic pizza place, MM! and i feel like, since there's so much good food around me, i have to do something with it. i have to utilize it and turn it into something and then devour it.
we made homemade ice cream this week. the best.
tonight i'm thinking baked mac and cheese.
maybe some steamed veggies too. mmm mmm
i went a little appliance crazy. i bought a steamer, a blender, and an ice cream maker. actually sam bought the ice cream machine, and the steamer was only $4. however, all these things are neccessary for my existence and my well being.
i'm trying to be healthy, but it's so hard! all the good for you food costs three times as much as the shit food, and i try and try to get good stuff but i don't have deep pockets.
my financial problems run deep, but right now i'm above water. not in a boat or anything, but at least i'm not drowning.

the redwoods are beautiful, the bay is beautiful, the beach is so cold (so sad) but lovely(so much more so than sd), there are so many things to see, but how am i to get there?

our only friends here are sam and sierra. they are good people, and i like them a lot, but i wish it was easier to meet people.
i think i'll post some pictures.
my computer has a built in camera, so even though i don't have a digital one, i still have some way to catch things.




outside my window #1
you can kind of see the trees really far away, that's the forest. gloomy sky.


that's our backyard. there's an apple tree! apple pie time
we're not allowed to plant there, but it's okay because we have a sunroom and we grow plants there.




this is me, waving hello to you.



here's sam being cute and playing guitar.

there are pictures of our journey up here on my myspace. album peregrination. i don't know if i spelled it right.

i have a lot.
i'm not unhappy here, but i don't feel fulfilled.
i'm going to post more pictures and text about my life
some other time.

i'm going to paris tomorrow.

i'm so tired.

things have been strange.
good and bad.

i wish i could buy all my friends souveniers, but i don't have enough money.

:)
happy spring break.

love.

She made him a bed
Drown'd in a sack
Shot in the back
He sat on her head

Paper-tits tommyguns boys
mouthing LOVE with gunmetal eyes
-plaster the murderous Walls
in Berlin anywhere in the world with her
glossy & naked awaiting
rape. There is no
love in it, it is the same
falsity. Stop
stop fucking yourself
dead things with dead things

Come & see the sleeping beauty wake!
the rocket cavalry charge her
womb-caves; write your name to pulse
forever on these purple walls.
Be voltage, one out of 500 million
charging her making her

jump & smile - jump & smile

till the lines harden & in the seething
mirrors she saw, Death.

i've gone through a change of state.
my mindset is different, as are my actions.

Sam left my house today, and i arrived to it cold and empty.
so i drown my sorrow in pizza and macaroni.

i haven't been doing much.
except knitting, drawing, writing, sleeping, watching movies, and loving sam.
and most of all, thinking about everything.
i guess i'm trying to get a clearer picture of myself and the world around me.
what i know right now is, i want to go to the store and get some film and C batteries and start documenting the world.
i attempted to keep a day to day journal, but it's not so day to day.
i've been accepted at humboldt and san francisco.


i've got a lion at my side and a lot on my mind.

i am sick.
viral infection?
not strep throat.
pustules.
swollen tonsils and glands.
fever.
monday night, 103.
tuesday morning, 102.
tuesday afternoon, 98.4
tuesday night, 99.8
wednesday morning, 98.6
tired.
new medications.
beta blocker, amoxicillin.
i don't know if the beta blocker is preventing the headaches, or giving me more.
my head hurts everytime i get up or tilt.

i'm a little bored.

sleepy sleepy sleepy.

tomorrow's two months.
:)

i've missed way too many days of school.
:(

sam crashed his car today.

i've had a headache for six hours.

sigh.

besides those two things, everything's been alright.
not exactly good, or bad.